


shining stars (burning bright)

by eggrater



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: Angst, Established Relationship, Fluff, Insecurities, M/M, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-21
Updated: 2018-01-21
Packaged: 2019-03-07 16:18:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,676
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13438560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eggrater/pseuds/eggrater
Summary: There are days where Jun would fall, but Sho would be there to catch him.





	shining stars (burning bright)

**Author's Note:**

> Description of panic attack inside, read with your own discretion. Betaed by the lovely learashi <3 *sends cheesecakes*

There are days where Jun would feel like he’s not enough.

Some days Jun would come home from the studio at 5 in the morning, not satisfied with the result of his meetings as he tried to sleep next to Sho. Other days, Jun would bury his face in his arms in the green room after his solo recording, after his vocal lessons.

But Sho sees through this subterfuge with ease.

It’s so easy to get sad. It’s so easy for Jun to fall into the depth of insecurities, of not being _Mr. Perfect_. Sho knows how easily affected Jun is. Sho knows what he does when insecurities start to cripple his lover, holding him back from what he’s capable of.  

There are days where Sho wishes he could go back to the days before Jun met him, to put back his pieces, rearrange him into someone with less self-doubt, with a lot more confidence. Because once Matsumoto Jun came home after vowing to make fifty five thousand people happy, he’s no longer the same Jun.

There are days where Jun would fall.

***

“Jun, you’re home.” Sho asked sleepily, feeling Jun climbing onto the bed, under the blanket.

“I’m sorry, did I wake you?”

“No, it’s fine.” Sho reached out to loop his arms around him, pulling Jun closer.

Jun leaned to the touch, eyes fluttering shut, and for a moment, silence filled the room. Jun’s breathing is even and calm, the man’s fingers stroking Sho’s hair.

“Did something happen at the meeting?” Sho asked, breaking the silence. He could feel Jun tense in his arms before he relaxed again. Jun sighed, burying his face in Sho’s chest.

“Nothing, really.”

Sho hummed. He doesn’t push. If Jun doesn’t want to tell him, then so be it. Jun shifted closer—as if there was still any space for him to do so. He’s exhausted and unsatisfied, and Sho knows.

“We couldn’t seem to finish the setlist.” Jun whispered, almost too quiet for Sho to hear. “Didn’t find the right songs, couldn’t decide the good length.”

When Jun refused to talk just to talk after, Sho just has to listen. So he does, rubbing soothing circles to Jun’s back.

“Am I getting too old to produce our concerts?”

Sho chuckled, kissing the top of Jun’s head. “If you retire from producing our concerts, then who’s going to do it, Jun?”

“We don’t have time.” He whispered, closing his eyes.

Maybe Jun’s close to crying. Maybe if he opens his mouth again tears will run freely down his cheeks. Maybe Jun is frustrated and tired and doesn’t know what to do—doesn’t sound like him, Sho knows. But Jun is human too. These are bound to happen.

Sho kept him close, he knows what Jun needs. Someone stable, someone to be _there_ , someone that he knows won’t betray him, someone that would catch him. Once he felt Jun’s breath going back to normal, he glanced to find him asleep.

He doesn’t let go until the sun comes up.

***

Jun is kissing Sho like he’s the ocean and all he wants is to drown in him. Sho doesn’t hold back—he likes kissing Jun, but he knows something’s up when Jun pulled away before burying his face where Sho’s shoulder meets his neck. When Jun kisses him like that, it’s either a promise for even better things to come in the next few minutes, or he’s _falling_.

Tonight, it’s obviously not the first one.

“Jun?” Sho wraps his arms around the other man’s waist. They’re still at the genkan, the door locked shut behind them. “Jun, love, what’s wrong?”

Sho pushed Jun away softly, and Jun didn’t even look him in the eyes as he guided Jun to the nearest couch, pulling him into another hug. There are nights where Jun would feel like there are more bruises in his heart, where he’d feel like he’s damaged goods. It doesn’t matter to Sho, _he still loves him_ , but it does to Jun.

If Jun doesn’t talk, then Sho will.

“Jun,” he started, palm moving up and down Jun’s back with reassuring touches. “Do you know that the stars are made of helium and hydrogen? For them to shine, they have to burn hydrogen into helium, they burn as they shine.”

Jun’s breath is warm against his skin, and Sho continues.

“You always shine the brightest, Jun. For me, you’re the brightest star.” Sho said. “So if it takes you to burn before you shine, then I shall love you when you burn, too.”

If Sho’s going to be perfectly honest, there are days where he wishes he could go back in time just to save Jun when there was nobody to save him. The thought of Jun, curled in his bed, alone with his demons almost broke him. But he can’t go back, those days are far behind his reach. There are days where he would turn to check if Jun is still sleeping at the other side of the bed, scared Jun would suddenly disappear like dust.

“Sho-san,” Jun croaked out. “I love you in the darkest times.”

Sho smiles. He knows that.

***

“Matsumoto-san, we don’t have much time left. It’s impossible to make any changes to the costumes.” The costume designer said, with a trace of impatience. Jun has been rambling on and on about how it’s going to be hard for Nino to dance with one particular part of the costume.

“J, it’s fine. I can manage.” Nino said. “We’ve danced with feathers before, I surely can manage with just a little decoration.”

“Have you seen your own choreography, Nino?” Jun said, and Sho knows he’s holding back from snappingーit’s not Nino’s fault, after all. “What if you trip? What if you get injured? Are you ignoring all the possible consequences of not wearing comfortable clothing when you dance?”

“Don’t worry too much, Matsumoto-san.” The costume designer said. “Aren’t you making too much fuss about this?”

There’s a rush of something indescribable in Jun’s eyes, and Sho didn’t miss it. Jun stood up. “Excuse me for a moment.” He said, voice low, strained. Jun left the room.

Ohno gave Sho a look, and Sho nodded, standing up to follow Jun to the other room.

Sho’s heart broke as he found Jun trying to balance himself by leaning on the wall, eyes tightly shut, trying to breathe. It was as if he was drowning. Sho wrapped his arms around Jun, before putting a hand on Jun’s heart.

“Jun, you’re okay.” He whispered. “With me, listen to my heartbeat. Breathe with me. Breathe in, one, two, three, four, breathe out.”

Jun’s hands were shaking and his body was trembling in Sho’s arms. “No, Sho.” He choked out. “You don’t want—” another heavy gasp. “—to be with me right now.”

“No. I _need_ to be with you right now.” Sho insists. “Jun. Breathe. I’m right here. Okay? I’m not going anywhere. I’m not going anywhere.” Sho’s hand moved reassuringly up and down Jun’s back. “I’m here, Jun. I’m here. I’m here.”

Jun stopped fighting Sho, the strength left his knees as he fell to Sho’s arms, head leaning against Sho’s chest. Sho stroked his hair reassuringly, counting with him, guiding Jun to continue breathing.

“I’m here.”

Sho kissed the top of Jun’s head when he felt the panic melting out of Jun, arms wrapping loosely around him. He could feel Jun starting to breathe normally again, eyes still closed, hands reaching to hold on Sho’s arms.

“I’m sorry, Sho.” He said, breathing out.

“What are you sorry for? Jun, you don’t have to go through it all by yourself, okay? I don’t want to hear any apology.” Sho said, planting another kiss on Jun’s temple. “You’re okay now.”

Jun doesn’t know how to describe how he’s feeling. Like he just won a war, like he’s safe. He is. As long as Sho’s here.

***

It was a slow Sunday for them, a day off. Sho woke up to Jun sleeping contently next to him, thick duvet covering half of his face. Jun has an arm draped above his torso, and Sho tried his best to slip away without waking Jun up.

He went to the kitchen, making a coffee for himself. It didn’t take long for Jun to join him, sleepily trying to make the coffee maker work. Sho chuckled. “You press this one, Jun.”

Jun blushed but didn’t comment on it, instead he leaned to kiss Sho, and Sho didn’t mind the taste of Jun’s coffee on his lips.

“Your coffee’s so bitter.” He complained when Jun pulled away. The younger man laughed, taking another sip.

“Hey, Sho-san?” He called out, and Sho turned to face him on the couch.

“Yeah?”

“You see, whenever I start to feel like I’m falling, I get scared.” He started. Sho crooked his eyebrows, Jun is always more honest in the morning. “Maybe I made promises I wouldn’t be able to keep. Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe people only like me in Arashi because of my looks—not my qualifications as an idol.”

Sho didn’t interrupt, he listens.

“You see, Sho, I’m scared. I always am. I probably hate myself the most, the skin I’m in and the way I am. But I don’t hate being in your arms.” He said. “You made it easier. You always made it easier. Some days it feels like drowning and the world would be spinning too fast and too bright, but you’re here.”

Sho sat next to Jun on the couch, keeping him close.

“I know this is all broken. I’m in pieces and I still break once in awhile, but with all these little pieces of my heart, I love you wholly, Sho. Thoroughly.” He paused, eyes diving deep into Sho’s. “So thank you for helping me putting my pieces back together.”

Sho smiled at the long speech, cradling Jun into his arms.

“You’re the one who’s putting your pieces back together, Jun,” he said. “But I’ll be here with you through everything.”

“Everything?”

“Everything.”

  



End file.
